Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
