Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
