I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Randomize
