I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize