I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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