Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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