That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
