After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Randomize
