Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize