Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
