she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
