but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
We had to coat check the pizza.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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