made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
