And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
