Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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