got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
