pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
