My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
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