Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
