my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
