dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
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