You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
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