You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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