The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
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