The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
