Your favorite bartender is back from prision
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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