we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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