Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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