evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
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