made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Acid is not a monday night drug
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Randomize