I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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