There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
