I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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