Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
