Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
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