Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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