So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
My balls are so social today.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
