i think my mom watched the whole time
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
