Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
