On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize