please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
