the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Randomize
