The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
