This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
