Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize