I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
You did what with his pubic hair?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
