I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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