Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
You've changed since you got that strap on
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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