when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
It's no shave November. This is our time.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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