Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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