You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Someone came in the potted fern
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
