so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I am midnight drunk by noon
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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