Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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