Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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