i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
