I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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