the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
