I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
