Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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