woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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