I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
