your parents love me but you hate me
Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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