I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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