I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
