my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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