i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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