if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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