I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
