There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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