Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
