just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
